


Embers can still burn

by Follow (Scheska)



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-15
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-07-12 12:36:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15995354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scheska/pseuds/Follow
Summary: He feared the fire but wanted the warmth, so he struggled to keep the embers glowing. It was a tricky thing, to say the least.





	Embers can still burn

**Author's Note:**

> Hot mess number two! I'm out of words atm. This is, of course, not beta'd and barely proof read, as usual. I'm sorry OTL I hope you still like it?
> 
> For Double B week, day six
> 
> : for Hell
> 
> : fire&ashes cold eyes; jealousy; "we need to talk"; gentle touch, embrace

It was good, it was all good. Maybe the beat was a bit bland, not really giving me any rush, not clicking in the way I would expect. Maybe it was the voices, they felt a bit out of synch, or just not sharp enough. Was it the lyrics? A bit generic, perhaps, not really what I would use for that track.

 

The rest seemed to love it though, was it just me then? Hanbin looked pleased with it, and I didn’t have the heart to say anything against it. If everyone else really liked it then… What would be the point? I mean, months ago, maybe in this very situation, I’d be calling out on every bit of it I found displeasing. And I knew Hanbin would stop the song, go back and start going over each of my complains. Or not really, because I would have actually helped him through it. 

 

_ Look, Hanbin, we need to talk _

 

I just didn’t feel like popping his bubble at the moment. He really did look content, and I knew he had been struggling so much lately. 

 

I trusted the rest of them, I knew for a fact June was digging the lyrics. And he was a self-proclaimed poet, so, that had to count for something, right? They couldn’t be so bland if he approved so adamantly, eyebrows scrunched in deep focus and smile pulled in satisfaction. Glad he was enjoying it so much, huh? But, eh, maybe we were aiming to different content. I just thought it would have been better if not this silly romantic arc. Was I being too picky?

 

_ And, it’s just… Maybe we could just tone this down, you know? _

 

Nah, it should be ok. Dong was jamming on his own beside me, hands swinging along, little wiggles of dance rattling the couch slightly. He was undoubtedly into it too. It couldn't have a bland beat if the kid was already choreographing a chorus while seating. Granted, Donghyuk could dance to a washing machine if pumped enough, he surely had the knack for building a dance out of anything. But this was true inspiration running through his moves, I recognized that, at least. I trusted Donggie would feel a good song.

 

_ I’m not trying to be an asshole, I’m not blaming you for anything! You know I would never do that. _

 

“Ah, that one right there” Jinan wagged a pointed finger, smile going to a side like saying ‘I know what you did there’, then stepped forward, looking closer at the screen. He had his hands resting on the back of the chair, eyes squinting a little, and tapped along the rhythm as his face grew yet another conceding smile for the track.

 

Under his appreciative look, Hanbing threw his head back, hitting the back of the chair to give a smile of his own to Jinan. And I saw it, that grateful glint in his eyes, the softness of his smile. Maybe I was being a bit obtuse, what wrong could it bring to praise his work a little, even if it didn’t work me up as much. It was a good job, after all. I shouldn’t be so hard on it.

 

_ It’s… You know you can get a bit intense, right? It can be a little too much sometimes. You know that. I think we’re letting this go out of hand, it’s starting to get… Messy, Hanbin. _

 

“You think the rest will like it too?” he asked, looking back at the screen.

 

Donghyuk laughed, bouncing on the cushions “For sure! Yunhyeong hyung will love the theme, I can already see him going full drama for it”

 

With Jinan’s groan, Hanbin allowed a soft chuckle, and patted the hands still at the back of his chair, then pulled from the fingers and brought them down around his neck and to his chest, forcing the hyung into an awkward, uncomfortable-looking back hug. You wouldn’t hear Jinhwan complaining though, happy enough with the prospect of a new track complete and ready to go into its final stages. 

 

I was happy too, of course. Glad we were making so much progress and that everyone was on the same page. Relieved that after so much struggle and self-beating, Hanbin had finally come to a result he felt proud of. And that was good enough for me, I didn’t really care for my own personal misgivings.

 

_ Bin, you are my best pal, you know that. I’m just trying to look out for us both, ok? I think we just need to move past this, it’ll be better for everyone, really. _

 

“Bobby hyung?" the slap to my leg was soft, but also sharp. And I saw in Dong’s eyes the reprimand "What do you think?”

 

I was being too quiet. I knew I would usually be hyping everyone up and boosting Hanbin’s musician’s ego if I was into the song. But it was also true that if I didn’t like it, I would say something. Maybe me being quiet was bringin the weird vibe again. It wasn’t on purpose, I did my best to keep us going, to maintain the easy going flow between us. And it usually worked on its own, we were, well, come on we were besties, right? It was like breathing. It wasn’t me, really, and not him either. It was just… Something, sometimes…

 

_ I don’t want any confusions, or anyone getting weird ideas either. We kind of leaned into each other a lot, and it helped us both overcome so much shit, but Bin… We are past that. We are so much better now.  _

 

“No, it’s good, yeah” I cringed a bit inside at how awkward that had sounded “I mean, you know-”

 

“Not feeling it?” Hanbin was fiddling around with the file, not really doing anything, I supposed, as this was his finished guide “What felt off?”

 

I really didn’t want to say anything, because I could already see the discontent in him, when he had been nothing but smiles and gratefulness and pride a second ago. I really didn’t want to be the one ruining that.

 

I clicked my tongue and waved a hand vehemently “Nothing felt off, Bin” but he just hummed unconvinced. With a sigh of exasperation, I leaned forward, trying to find the right words “Maybe it wasn’t exactly what I’d have done, but what does it matter? You made a great track out of it anyway”

 

“What would you have done then?”

 

His voice was a bit foreboding, like he was looking for me to fuck up. Why, though? It felt a bit antagonizing, and it was uncalled for. Why would he want me to call out on anything I didn’t like? It’s not like he’d change anything, with the the approval of everyone else. 

 

“Just forget it,” I flopped back against the couch “I told you, it’s great as it is. It just went to a different direction of what I expected when I heard the raw base last week, ‘s’all” 

 

But the “Did you expect something heavier?” was not Hanbin’s, and it annoyed me twice as much that not only him but someone else would keep it going. 

 

Jaewon was looking pointedly at me, demanding the answer. And for course he felt entitled to butt in, having been sticking to Hanbin’s side like glue.

 

My jaw worked a little to a side, then the other “No, hyung. I didn’t really expect anything in particular” I kind of flat toned, not on purpose though. I was a bit fed up already.

 

Hanbin’s eyes were on me then, pitch black and bottomless. 

 

_ And that’s the thing, it’s ok! We’re friends, and we have other friends and that’s cool. We don’t need to be attached at the hip, we don’t need to… Look, it doesn’t change the fact that we’re a package deal. Still chicken and beer, Bin. That won’t change.  _

 

There was a question somewhere in there, but it was so dark and far away, I couldn't see it. It was unnerving, it made me feel off kilter, that I could not read his eyes when they were trying so hard to tell me something. Why couldn’t I? What was it? What was he asking? Saying? 

 

My own eyes jumped between his, desperate to understand him, to get this one right. We were bumping heads and missing beats so often lately. Why were we like this? So completely out of synch? What was wrong with us?

 

“Well, there’s still time to polish it some more, right?” Jaewon broke in, snapping the struggling connection I was trying to make function. Hanbin glanced at him, blinking away whatever it was he had tried to say to me.

 

I huffed in annoyance, because why did he have to butt in again. 

 

“No, there’s nothing to fix in there. I already told you it’s great as it is” and well, that came out harsher than intended, maybe. What could you do?

 

It was Hanbin’s muttered “Whatever” that slumped my irritation and tore it down to disappointment. Because, ok, yes, I wanted to drop the subject but… 

 

_ We’re good, right, Bin? Promise me we’re ok? _

 

“Bin” he only hummed back “It’s a good one, I mean it” I insisted, ears buzzing a little in the silence around us. Why was everyone suddenly so quiet? “really, don’t mind me, just leave it as it is” he looked downwards for a moment, then at me. Dark again, with a question I could not read. His eyes were turning cold, they were closing off. Instead I pleaded with my own, ‘don’t mind me, but then please do’, ‘I’m still here for you, you know?’ ‘Don’t shut me out’ “Promise you’ll let it go?”

 

_ Yeah, I get it. We’re good, hyung. Promise. _

 

Jaewon’s hand on Hanbin’s thigh patted a few times, and they crossed glances. Just looked. Jaewon smiled, Hanbin smiled back. Just like that. I could almost see it, between them, the spark that went from one to the other. A question, the answer. Done.

 

Hanbin took the hand in his, interlocked their fingers, relaxed back against his chair. Jaewon mirrored him, brought their hands to his chest.

 

“Ok, hyung, I’ll leave it as it is. Promise” 

 

He didn’t look at me.

 

\--

 

I was at the kitchen, looking into a mug of lukewarm coffee I didn’t want to drink anymore. 

 

Someone patted my back, a loud snap “You ok, hyung?” it was Chanwoo “Not going back to the studio, are you?”

 

I looked back at him, an eyebrow up “No, why?”

 

He was holding a mug of his own, filled with who knows what. Something warm, as lazy steam floated upwards away from it. The maknae’s hands enveloping the ceramic, seeping the warmth greedily. I reckoned more hot cocoa, knowing him.

 

“Dunno, you’ve been going at the coffee without mercy today. Thought maybe you were trying to give Hanbinnie hyung a run for his money”

 

“What? Why would I?”

 

He shrugged, indifferent, but his eyes told otherwise “Who knows? You haven’t been working together as much as before. Maybe you wanted to squeeze a bit of time. And I know you’re not so much a night owl as he is, so” he nods to my abandoned mug “Coffee”

 

I shook my head, biting my lip in thought, discarding the now cold drink in the sink. 

 

“Is he still back at the studio?” I asked, already knowing the answer, just needing the confirmation, maybe build up a justification.

 

“Of course” 

 

“Ate something?”

 

“Dunno, didn’t ask. Jaewon hyung was with him, so he probably did”

 

_ Fuck that _ , I tried to breathe the scoff in, but it all flew out. 

 

Chanwoo snorted into his mug, “What?” he sniggered, his voice thinning funnily as it did when he was amused “What? ‘Fuck what’, hyung? Why?”

 

Maybe I needed to sleep.   

 

“Nothing, go to bed already”

 

“But that was so random” he was still sniggering.

 

I pushed him away, slightly, didn’t want any hot liquid spilling anywhere “Look, what are you even doing here?”

 

“Oh” his eyes went wide “Right, Binnie hyung asked me to bring him the notebook, but not the black one” a finger up, eyes serious “He said,  _ the green one with the kitty band aid, not the black one, I think June took it _ ” he kept his finger up, and his eyes round. A second into the still image he blinked “Do you know where it is? I only saw his black one and I was actually going to ask you”

 

I couldn’t help rolling his eyes at the boy, “Yeah, you go I’ll bring it to him”

 

“Ah, no, it’s ok hyung-”

 

“Scram, kid, go to bed already. Why would he ask you anyway? You need to sleep. I’m here, he’s got his phone, why did he-?”

 

“But I was with him-”

 

“Whatever. Go Chan, I’ll take the notebook”

 

There wasn’t much fight after that, really. He quipped a short “Ok, g’night” and vanished, cocoa and all.

 

Twenty minutes later I was holding the green notebook with the kitty band-aid to a very sleepy-looking Hanbin. 

 

A blink, another, his eyes went down to my hands, then back up. 

 

“Oh, thank you” his voice was a bit slurry, but curt “I asked Chan, you didn’t have to come” he was tired, and a bit gloomy, if I had to say.

 

“You ok?”

 

“Yeah, yeah” and silence. I waited a bit, knowing he was not all that good. Maybe he was stuck with another song, maybe a last moment change requested for one of his finished works. But he wasn’t telling. Not me at least.

 

“Can I stay with you?” and why would I ask this?  _ Why do you do this to yourself Jiwon? _ Everyone knew that if Hanbin was alone at the studio, he wanted to be alone at the studio. That was it. But still, part of me hoped for a bit of acknowledgment, if not for my helpfulness, my ability, then at least for my company. Didn’t he feel the strain like I did? Didn’t he miss  _ us _ a bit?

 

The moment of extra silence that followed was awkward at least. And I was starting to feel a bit antsy, a bit hurt. Because I knew we were at odds with one another, feeling upside down, like the easy friendship we had wrung tight around us for so long was suddenly cut loose along the… Along  _ the mess _ , and we had sprung apart without the fierce grip of it tying us together. 

 

But being awkward and a little lost wasn’t the same as ignoring each other, it was not the same than feeling completely disconnected, suddenly left out of the loop, replaced.

 

Where were we now? Why had we skipped so far away? For so long it had been me spending hours on end by his side, on that same chair now empty, where a grey jacket hung. A jacket I recognized as the one Jaewon was wearing earlier that day. 

 

My stomach churned a little. Because replacing me with Jaewon... There, in that very same studio where it all had burned down, where the mess and the confusion had started. In the very corner out of the camera angle. 

 

Would it start here too? Had it already? Like back then, when the stress and the despondency had beaten us both down. When we felt isolated and wrung out, crawling closer to our comfort, blurring so much in the way. When we chased the respites of indulgence and unnamed intimacy, secret lapses of burning solace, trespassing the handful of boundaries that we dared, misguided by exhaustion and, perhaps, depression. Our shaking hands pulling closer, mumbling nonsense into each other…

 

But that had spilled outside the lines, when unneeded and unjustifiable, it had to burn out. I had to smother it before it caught fire where it shouldn’t. So what now? What was left from him to burn? Was he stressed again? Overworked? Pressured? Or was Jaewon a fire of his own? 

 

My jaw hurt, and I realized I was grinding my teeth. That would be suicide, for both of them, and it was, in time, irresponsible of him, Jaewon himself. He was supposed to be the hyung, he was supposed to know  _ better _ . I had risked us, our friendship, to do the right thing, and now this guy came and-? 

 

“You’re kind of…” Hanbin’s voice startled me, and I peeled my eyes from the jacket I had been inadvertently glaring at, moving towards my friend’s back, still turned to me “You’re distracting me, hyung. Can you go?” 

 

That did it.

 

“Right. Sure. Sorry, I guess.” I deadpanned, not able to pull more words before I felt himself shutting off.

 

Might as I tried, I still shut the door a little bit too harshly, but hurried down the corridor anyway, secretly pleased and hoping it had made a point clear. This attitude was not appreciated. Whatever the reasons for it. 

 

I didn’t realize I was breathing agitatedly until I stepped in front of the elevator, hitting the button with slightly shaking fingers. It wasn’t clear to me if it was anger or hurt that rattled me so much, that lounged hard and sharp inside my ribcage, maybe a bit of both. The thing I could not dismiss, eating me inside, was regret, disappointment. I had never wanted for something like this to happen, never in my wildest thoughts would have imagined it  _ would  _ happen. How had we come to this? Where did I go wrong? 

 

My sneakers tapped the floor impatiently as I waited, hands in my pockets clenched tightly, and I felt a traitorous pinch at the back of my throat. I had to laugh at that, if only to relieve a bit of the pressure before it built up to my eyes. 

 

There were footsteps behind me, they stopped, started again. I hit the button a few more times, a bit too hard, but by the time the doors slid open, he was beside me. I didn’t look at him as he stepped in, hit the floor, again too harshly. The doors slid closed, and the tense silence swarmed us again.

 

This time not for long though “Look, I didn’t mean that” he said, his voice was still a little slurred and worn, and I saw from the corner of my eye that he wasn’t looking at me “It’s not you that distracts me. I’m just distracted, I’m not… I’m a bit out of it, I shouldn't have said that” he shifted his own jacket in his arms, phone in his hands “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it”

 

I just sniffed a little, cleared my throat. I was still under the spell of the almost tears, I was restless. What was I supposed to say now? That it was all good? That it hadn’t bothered me? That it didn’t matter? Well no. Because it fucking did. And it stung. 

 

“Hyung?”

 

Now he was looking at me, expectant. I really didn’t want to answer, I was still angry, but I was a silence away from being childish. 

 

The doors opening saved me the hassle. I muttered some noncommittal “Yeah, ok” and walked off.

 

The night was pretty crisp, and I walked with my shoulders pulled up to my neck. We were lucky we lived so close. But I still hurried some, in part because it was late and windy, and part because I could hear him walking behind me. Was he going to try to talk again? And was I being too stubborn? Maybe this kinda thing was what pushed us apart in the first place. But I could swear that I had never been such a brat to him the past months, on the contrary, I had done all I could to bridge the distance that was growing between us. And I thought I was doing ok. Then  _ why _ ?

 

In the end, we were at the apartment door together. I paused before opening, just about to ask him why was he there and not upstairs. Why was he following me? But at the same time I didn’t have the energy to be belligerent. So I opened the door and walked in, not bothering to look behind, or hold the door. I stepped out of my sneakers and walked to the kitchen, half tempted to go to my room, slam the door and get the message across loud and angry. But I wasn’t  _ that  _ angry, I supposed. Because I hesitated at the corridor, and ended up with a glass of water, staring at the sink. 

 

The fucking mug was still there. 

 

I waited. Wasn’t sure for what. But there had to be a reason why he had followed me all the way here. And I was giving him the moment to talk if he wanted. I was angry and hurt, but I also knew that if I wanted to understand, if I wanted to start fixing this, I couldn’t slam doors.

 

I drank half the glass, left the rest on the counter, washed the mug, then the glass. And still nothing.

 

I sighed in both annoyance and disappointment, trying to understand what he was even doing there. I really didn’t want to walk out and find him asleep on the couch or, even worse, gone. I hadn’t heard the door at least-

 

“Hyung” I jumped out of my skin when a pair of arms came around my middle, the warmth of his body plastered to my back, his head against the back of my shoulders “I’m sorry”

 

It was really unfair, but just like that, the anger melted down to the ground. Not the hurt though. I tried to breathe it all out, but as much as I pushed out of my chest, it still felt heavy.

 

“Just this once” he mumbled against my sweatshirt “There’s no one around, let me just this once”

 

Before I could flail and freak out, his arms tightened and I understood what he meant, his face rubbing against my shoulder and the tiny content sound. I didn’t even know what I felt about it anymore. 

 

“Are you mad at me?” he asked.

 

It took me a moment to gather my ideas and my words, but I finally shook my head “No, I’m not”

 

“Are you mad at Jaewon hyung?”

 

The scoff ran away from me, couldn’t stop it, and I realized a bit too late how all of a sudden my back stiffened. 

 

“No, I’m not” it didn’t sound exactly the same as five seconds ago, but I tried.

 

“You are, why are you mad at him?”

 

“I’m  _ not _ ”

 

“You are acting weird”

 

“Am I?” I tried to turn, but he held tight, grumbling in protest. The irritation bubbled and flattened out again “Am I the one being weird? What about you, huh?”

 

“What about me?” his head sprung up, chin on my shoulder “You are the one giving us the stinky eye every time you see us. You were mad today at the studio, and last week at the cafe, and then the other day when we went shopping for phone cases,” he went a bit louder, just a little bit, mindful of the rest of the boys sleeping “and even when we went out eating with Raesung last weekend. Even  _ he _ noticed, you know?”  

 

“Look, I’m  _ not _ angry-”

 

But he was not having it, suddenly it was as if he had remembered  _ he _ was angry with  _ me _ . He let go of me and stepped to my side. But he didn’t look mad, his eyes were still tired, and he looked, if anything, sad.

 

“You didn’t like the song today, did you?”

 

Oh not again “Hanbin” I groaned, running a hand through my hair “The song was perfect, I never said otherwise”

 

“You did-”

 

“Please, I really liked it, I was just-... I don’t know I was a bit moody and maybe I let it get ahead of me”

 

“So you  _ are _ angry”

 

“For fucks sake, Bin” I hung my head, hands on the counter “What do you want me to tell you?”

 

“Why are you so mad at me?”

 

“I am  _ not _ mad at you” I stressed.

 

“Then Jaewon hyung? Why are you so cold with him lately? You liked him, you got along well. What happened?” he was growing demanding, his voice turning to the whinny pitch I sometimes found so endearing. It was weird, because I wanted to smile at his attitude and make him shut up at the same time “He hasn’t done anything, I even asked him if you had a fight or something, he doesn’t even know what’s up with you-”

 

“Can we stop talking about Jaewon for a moment?” I finally looked at him, and he was tired, yes, but determined. Determined to defend the honor of his beloved Jaewon hyung, it seemed. Because this was what he wanted, wasn’t it? He didn’t want to talk to me, or mend things with us, maybe, no. He wanted to fucking make me stop being  _ mean  _ to his goddamn Jaewon hyung “You know, it’s annoying enough that everytime we hang out he tags along, every time I stop by the studio he’s there, every time we get time to grab diner or anything, he comes along, every time we talk music, he pops up, we talk movies, he pops up, we talk fucking  _ puppies  _ and he fucking pops up!” I was making a conscious effort not to raise my voice, but it was damn hard, and now that I had started, my mouth kept running.

 

“You know what’s funny? I hang out with people, ok? I see some friends, I have my life and don’t always gravitate around you. But I make  _ time  _ for you, I actually  _ look  _ for you, I try to spend time with you” it was sounding odd to my ears, something at the back of my head ringing “Every time I do, guess what?  _ Jaewon hyung!  _ What’s with him, huh? What’s so fucking magical about him?” it was ringing, and I started stepping on the breaks so hard, I knew I was about to cram both feet in my mouth, maybe had one in already “Or do you work on a one-attachment basis. Is he your new only friend? Or something else? Done with me, move to him? What-?” then it worked, my tongue got caught between my teeth, almost hurting, my jaw locked. Finally, the flood stopped and I breathed in.

 

I pushed away from the counter, walked to the other side of the kitchen. My hands were running over and over through my hair, my head chanting a string of things along the lines of  _ fuckshitfuckinghellwhatthefuchcalmthefuckdown- _ where the fuck did all that come from? 

 

I didn’t want to look back, I really didn’t. I was tense like a taut spring, staring holes into the wall. I was almost ready to hear the door slam, or feel something hit the back of my head. I was angry, but more about the situation than anyone in particular. And I wanted to rewind to just before I opened my stupid mouth and rewrite the whole thing. 

 

When the silence started ringing, I took as much air as I could, planted my hands on my hips “I-” the air left me, and I tried again “That… That wasn’t what I wanted to say” I sounded a little winded, felt so. And my voice was a little hard to pull from my throat, it was clinging to the sides “I’m-uh… I really didn’t”

 

“You told me” his voice sounded even worse than mine, and it gave me shivers how it shook to keep it in control, like a rubber band about to snap “ _ You _ told me to do this” and I had, hadn’t I. Technicalities aside, I had told him to go pursue his new friends, to go and belong with other circles, to let go a bit. Just that I wasn’t expecting for him to do so at such magnitude… Or that it’d affect me so much “You sat me  _ right here _ , told me  _ Hanbin we need to fucking talk _ ” he paused, his voice had taken a bit of wilder shake, I could hear it pushing between clenched teeth “And  _ told _ me to-”

 

This time he didn’t continue. But I waited, just in case. Still nothing.

 

“I did” I nodded to the wall “I know”

 

“Then what the actual  _ fuck  _ Jiwon?”

 

“I’m sorry?” it wasn’t my intention to make that a question, but there “I meant it, I did. I’m just… I don’t even know Bin, I thought… I thought it would work, I... I thought I could make it work”

 

The heels of both my hands pressed against my eyes until I saw sparks and colors, I tried to regulate my breathing a little, “I really didn’t mean all that word vomit just now. Maybe I  _ am _ angry, but… Not at you”

 

“At Jae-”

 

“Please, Bin, could we not?”

 

“But-”

 

I turned around then, quickly, like pulling a band-aid. And there Hanbin was, looking so tired, slightly confused, but rooted in place. He was not going without closure. And I felt part of the pressure in my chest leave at that.

 

“Tell me, honestly” I started, before I could change my mind “What’s the deal with him?”

 

“What deal?”

 

“Come on, what’s… What’s with him and you?”

 

The confusion dwindled in favor of something colder “What’s with what… I don’t get it hyung”

 

“Why are you so much with him? Is he clingy? Are you the clingy one? Are you both? Is this like a never ending cycle of clinginess? Are you… Are you like… You know…”

 

“Like what?” he asked, eyes suddenly growing a bit distant.

 

“He’s your friend” I took a sudden turn, the blaring warning lights clear enough.

 

He stared for a moment, still as a rock “Yes?” 

 

I nodded, for a while “Ok” I walked slowly back to his side, his dark eyes following me all the way “Ok” 

 

“Ok?”

 

“Yeah, I’m…” what? I was a bit disoriented, honestly. But looking at him, at his face slowly melting the hard edges, falling back to tiredness and a bit of hurt, the earnest edge ever present “I’m sorry, Bin. I guess I was just…” I shrugged, lost.

 

We were in silence again, not as awkward, but so much heavier. I dropped my gaze to the sink, empty now. I was starting to outline my problem, the ugly, ragged edges pretty obvious even in the dark corner of my mind where I had hidden it. I couldn’t admit it out loud, I couldn’t admit to myself how unreasonable I felt. 

 

Maybe I was making a huge deal of something that wasn’t really such thing. Maybe, now that I took a step back and looked again, I had blown some things out of proportion. Maybe the things I had grown accustomed to, like Hanbin’s clinginess, his touchy tendencies, the undivided, unapologetic affection that shone in his eyes when he meant it. Maybe seeing that in new places, outside the tight knit little group of ours, missing it around me, not having it directed at me. Maybe that had made it hit me harder than I could’ve ever anticipated. 

 

I had never been the jealous type, never thought I could be, but lo and behold the hypocrite I could become with it. 

 

First timer, was all my defence. 

 

But still “Do you like him more than me?”

 

“Who?”

 

“You know”

 

A second of silence, “Jaewon hyung?” At my hum as only answer, he giggled a little, and said, with such earnst it sounded almost vulnerable “I could never like anyone more than you”

 

I kept quiet, letting that decant a little. Running it over and over in my head, making it stick to my brain. I wanted to be able to hear that in every silent moment, while asleep, in every daze.

 

Warm fingers brushed my hand, pried it from the grip on the counter, slid in the spaces between my fingers. The taut string going from my head to toes suddenly snapped, my whole spine was released. I breathed deeper, my hand went warm. I  _ missed  _ this. 

 

“I miss this” funnily, it was Hanbin who said it, closing his fingers and clasping our hands together.

 

“I miss it too” I admitted.

 

“Then why did you even ask me to stop?” I would have expected a bit more annoyance to that question, but there was something else. It sounded similar to his curiosity, just, maybe, more hesitant.

 

“I don’t know… I just” why did I, really, what a stupid idea it was “I guess I felt bad. I knew I was starting to-... Or rather, I felt I was… I don’t know”  

 

“Why?” he pressed, and the hesitation took a 180° and morphed into solid insistence.

 

…  _ you can get a bit intense, right? It can be a little too much… _

 

Why? I couldn’t really shape an answer.

 

_ … we just need to move past this... _

 

“I just wanted-”

 

_ … I don’t want anyone getting weird ideas... _

 

“I remember what you said, you know?” he butted in, softly “People misunderstanding, getting weird ideas, getting confused”

 

“Wha- How do you remember that?” my laugh was every bit forced out, it felt raspy and hollow “I don’t even-”

 

“Did you really mean the people? The guys maybe?”

 

“What no, not the guys, I-”

 

“Or us? Me? You didn’t want me to get ideas? Get confused?”

 

“Woah, what? Hanbin, what are you talking about?”

 

“Get hurt? Or  _ you _ ?”

 

“Uh-No, alright, we are getting sidetracked”

 

“I would get hurt, you would get confused” he said, no longer asked, this was a statement. It kind of floored me, to be dissected like this, for my own eyes.

 

“Stop, Hanbin, I don’t know what you mean, but this is going off the mark”

 

“Is it?”

 

“Hanbin” I couldn’t go on “I asked you to move past that, do you not remember  _ that _ ?”

 

His eyes were open, unguarded and talkative. Unlike earlier that day, when I couldn’t read a simple question, now I could see his whole soul in them. The whole universe of his own musings swirling in the depths, invisible. They were all a connection between us, the pitch black canvas I had always prided myself in reading so well. 

 

“We don’t have to” frail, his voice sounded so frail.

 

My thumb was brushing over his skin, and I hadn’t realized until he squeezed my hand, brought it up to his chest.

 

“We do, Bin”

 

“But if I were to, you’d get mad again, wouldn’t you?” he asked then, a bit of defiance in his eyes, the implication that took me just seconds to understand.

 

I took a shaky breath, “Your friend, you said… He’s your  _ friend _ ” it came out a whisper.

 

“You  _ told  _ me to” he repeated.

 

We were stuck. We were stuck and the ways out were laid in front of me now. This was what he was saying, then and now. Move on, I had asked him; he did, he tried. And it hurt. Now what? 

 

“So you would” I was surprised by the slight accusation in my voice “You were going to”

 

“I was trying” one of his shoulders went up, just shy of a real shrug “But I told you, I can’t like anyone more than you, hyung” 

 

My free hand went to my hair again, but with an exasperated huff, Hanbin took that one too “Do you want me to still keep distance?”

 

“What? No-”

 

“Ok, then can I be clingy again?”

 

“Uh… yes” I pushed back down the  _ please. _

 

And just like that, I had a handful of Hanbin in my arms, molding against me in such wonderful way. He snuggled merrily, his face hiding against my neck, his hands burrowing between my sweatshirt and tshirt. For a moment, it all vanished, I felt replenished in a way I hadn’t in a long time.  _ Months _ . For the moment, I embraced us being stuck in place. All I cared about was that I had not lost this, that I still had him, he still wanted me close, close enough to feel each other’s heartbeats and the dampness of our breath in our skin.

 

“We are a mess” I heard myself, words tangling in his hair “This is a mess again”

 

He sounded almost petulant when he huffed, “It never stopped being so” but relented a little “We can figure it out. We never tried to”

 

“Hanbin-”

 

“Can’t we try?” Yes, we could, “Can’t we move past  _ this _ ? And start where we left off?”

 

“This?”

 

He raised his head, looked at me, gaze bottomless and enrapturing “The  _ talk _ . Let’s move past the talk, we never had the talk. Let’s start from there, let’s fix the mess” his eyes mellowed a little, moved between mine “Let’s  _ try _ ”

 

I could still feel his heart against mine, his fingers clutching at my tshirt, now the warm, damp air brushing my chin. Go back, start again, start different.  _ Try _ . How could it be worth the risk? But then how could  _ he _ not be worth it? 

 

“Hyung” he was actually waiting for my answer, right then “Jiwon hyung” I could feel my name, warm and damp on my lips “Can’t we?”

 

I closed my eyes, leaned slowly closer, pushing my forehead against his, bumping noses lightly, breathing against his mouth.

 

Could we… Should we… 

 

“Hyung” again, his voice drowning slowly in our silence “Hyung” it pitched higher, but softer, pleading “Hyun-” and I swallowed it, stole the rest from him right from his lips. 

 

I ate every syllable and every letter left unsaid in his mouth, pulled them out one by one. I heard our langid rustle, our arms tightening, our breaths colliding. I heard his noises, felt the hums under my palms, and I tasted both our words on his tongue, plunging deeper to retrieve the lost ones. I held his face in one hand, his back in the other, pressed him against me to make up for it all, touched our teeth together, breathed in his skin. Let it all asphyxiate me in the best way possible, letting the embers rekindle and spark flames again. Choking up in him, in how he smelled a bit of coffee and some soap, his hair slightly humid between my fingers, his clothes warm and soft and worn. His whole being pliant and solid, fingers digging deep into the back of my neck, my shoulder. I let it consume me, I let him overwhelm me again, just like all that time ago. But this time I embraced it all, pushed it closer and tighter, wanting him to melt with me, make this blinding spark last forever in our skin.

 

Then I let go. We unwinded slowly, touch uncoiling until it was left gentle and tentative. Air moved between us again, still warm. The only thing we could not pull apart were out mouths, that kept going back for one more kiss before letting go. Just one more, and then another. Because now that I had touched it again, I could not let go.

 

When I finally put a thumb over his lips, burning and supple, I could open my eyes. And there he was, flushed and rapt, his pupils blown. Still ready to plunge back, and there was only so much I could do not to oblige.

 

I let the seconds crawl, indulging in his sight for a moment, while it all settled down. When he finally shook the last of it off, I saw first hand as his eyes cooled down, melted all over, his lips under my thumb shifted, he smiled.

 

He forced a smile out of me, then a laugh. And then a last, soft, innocent kiss. 

 

“So” he murmured against my lips, cheeky and hopeful “We try?”

 

There was really no other answer left, I had burned all my bridges by then. All my ways except for this one.

 

“We try”

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it!
> 
> I'm back to wasting time in twt @JustPeachyTW if you feel like it :)


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